Love may bring two people together, but love alone may not be enough to keep a modern relationship strong, experts have said.
According to speakers at a recent edition of Perspectives with Simiat Abaru, couples who want their relationships to survive must be ready to communicate openly, manage expectations, show commitment and negotiate the realities of life together.
The discussion, hosted by Simiat Abaru, featured Professor Kunle Olawunmi, a retired Nigerian Navy Commodore and security scholar, and Janet Mark-Ayangbemi, a broadcast journalist with Crest 91.1 FM, Ibadan.
Speaking during the programme, Professor Olawunmi, who said he had spent 17 years researching relationships, explained that there is a difference between love as an emotion and a relationship as a structure that requires conscious decisions, responsibilities and continuous effort.
He noted that people often enter relationships believing that strong feelings are enough to guarantee a happy marriage. However, he argued that love must be supported by practical arrangements and an understanding of how two individuals intend to build their lives together.
According to him, having money, a good education, a comfortable home or financial stability does not automatically make a relationship successful.
Couples must instead have deliberate conversations about the issues that will shape their everyday lives, including who makes important decisions, how money is handled, career choices, having and raising children, household responsibilities and expectations from both families.
The speakers identified misaligned expectations as one of the major sources of conflict in relationships and marriages.
Mark-Ayangbemi stressed that couples need to have honest conversations, including conversations that may be uncomfortable, before and during marriage.
She said issues such as money, career ambitions, children, family expectations and the sharing of responsibilities should not be left to assumptions.
Many relationship problems, she suggested, begin when one partner expects something that the other person never agreed to or was never aware of.
She also encouraged couples to remember that they are “on the same team”, even when they disagree.
According to her, disagreements should not automatically become battles where one person must win and the other must lose. Instead, couples should learn to approach problems as partners looking for solutions that work for the relationship.
The discussion also examined the changing roles of men and women in modern relationships, particularly situations where women earn more money or become the primary breadwinners in their families.
Professor Olawunmi observed that traditional expectations about men being the main financial providers can create tension when the economic reality of a family changes.
He explained that some men may struggle emotionally when their partners become the higher earners, especially in societies where a man's financial ability is often closely connected to how his role as a husband is perceived.
However, he stressed that financial independence can also protect dignity and provide greater security for individuals and families.
The problem, he noted, arises when couples fail to openly discuss the change in their financial circumstances and instead allow it to become a source of competition, resentment or a struggle for control.
The speakers therefore advocated transparency and mutual understanding when dealing with money.
Rather than constantly calculating who contributes more, Mark-Ayangbemi suggested that couples should approach marriage with a “100-100” mindset, where both partners give their best to the relationship rather than treating it like a transaction that must always be divided into equal halves.
The idea is that marriage should not become a daily scoreboard where partners ask who paid more, who sacrificed more or who did more household work.
Instead, each person should be willing to contribute fully within their capacity while recognising and appreciating what the other person brings to the relationship.
The speakers, however, made an important distinction between issues that can be negotiated and values that should not be compromised.
While couples can negotiate careers, finances, household duties, parenting arrangements and other practical aspects of life, certain areas must remain protected.
These include dignity, physical safety, fundamental identity, core values and financial transparency.
The discussion therefore presented modern relationships as partnerships that require more than romantic feelings.
People may fall in love because of attraction, shared interests or emotional connection, but building a lasting relationship requires them to learn how to communicate when things are difficult, make decisions together and adjust when circumstances change.
Life itself does not remain the same after people get married.
Jobs change. Income changes. Children arrive. Responsibilities increase. One partner may lose a job while the other becomes the major earner. Families may face health, financial or career challenges.
These changes can test even relationships that began with genuine love.
The speakers therefore emphasised the importance of creating a relationship where both partners can talk about these changes without fear, shame or unnecessary competition.
The conversation also highlighted the need for couples to understand that compromise does not mean losing oneself.
Healthy negotiation allows two people to find a way forward while maintaining their dignity, safety and important personal values.
The programme, Perspectives with Simiat Abaru, is designed to provide a platform for deeper conversations on issues affecting society, relationships, leadership and human development.
The latest discussion ultimately offered a simple but important message for people navigating modern relationships: love may start the journey, but communication, respect, commitment, sacrifice, transparency and continuous negotiation are what help keep the journey going.
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